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Mama Told Me Not to Swear · 15 April 2023

I told the short version of my mom telling me not to swear story before, but I figured I might as well tell the rest.

Way back in third grade, my mom told me not to swear. She might have said it was a sin. Or that it was not a nice thing to do. Or something like that. I do not remember that part. In fact, I do not remember much of the story. I just remember she told me not to swear. So I did not swear until I was an adult. But even then, I could not get over the fact that I was disobeying Mom. So I have not done much swearing even as an adult.

But back to third grade.

I remember learning how to swear in third grade. All the other kids were learning how to swear, so I figured I ought to learn too. There were all those great four letter words, so I figured I ought to use them along with my buddies. We started out with words that were funny and not real swear words. Words like fart. Then, we graduated to almost-swear words like crap. Then, we used the s-word and the granddaddy of all swear words, the f-bomb. (Actually, I do not remember using the f-bomb, but I must have a time or two).

Of course, we did not call the f-bomb the f-bomb back then. We said “the f-word” or we just said it. Of course, we had to cover our mouths after saying it. After all, the normal response to swearing back then was, “Do you kiss your mother with that foul mouth?”

At any rate.

Even though the swear words come out “sackamfrackam consarn no good something or other” (or something like that) in A Christmas Story, we all know that like Ralphie, we learn how to swear from our parents. After all, they are our role models. And we often turn out just like them. (Which is a completely different story.)

Unlike Ralphie, I did not hear that much swearing from my dad. He really only said the s-word. At least that I remember. Oh sure, we heard “Bakatare” plenty from Grandpa and even a time or two from our dad when either of them was mad at us. But bakatare just meant stupid head or something like that. At least we thought it was fairly innocuous. Nothing like the s-word, and definitely not like an f-bomb.

At any rate. I learned most of my swear words from the playground during third grade.

One day, I must have said something in front of Mom. I do not think she got mad or anything, but she did say that I was not allowed to swear. And that was pretty much it. My swearing days were over even before they really began. I did not even swear at school because we had learned somewhere in my childhood that character was what you do when nobody else is looking. At least I think we learned that as kids. But I do not think people had to say it back then.

Anyway.

The funny thing is that I do not remember much swearing or cussing from any of my friends after Mom told me not to. I think it was probably because all the other kids’ moms told them to knock it off too. Probably on the same day as mine did in the same way mine did.

I know that there are many things that people probably do not do because their parents told them not to do so. Just like there are many things that people do despite their moms having told them not to. Life is sorta funny that way. As for me, I am happy not to do stuff just because my mama told me not to. And Mama told me not to swear.

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April is National Poetry Month · 8 April 2023

April is National Poetry Month so
I thought that I ought to give it a go.

I know that poems need no rhythm nor rhyme
But it is how I write poems all of the time
And poems are poignant and oft have a point
But mine are just silly and often disjoint.

Still please don’t dismiss me ‘cause I have naught to say
Don’t just read a stanza and be on your way
For my poetry might be just as good as another
At least if you are my sister or brother.

It is said there’s a friend that sticks closer than a brother
I think he’s the one who reads this word and another
The one who reads when the words mean not a thing
The same one who likes to give out quite a zing.

If you’ve read this far you’ve endured quite a lot
For like a bad story this poem has no plot
It is just full of rhymes in a particular scheme
I am not sure it has even one theme.

So as I have said all my rhymes have little substance
(And who has a rhyme for a word such as substance?)
Which just means that nobody pays them much mind
Nobody will have words either mean ones or kind.

So now you’ve read rhymes without any meat
Now you’ve read a poem written out on a sheet
Now you’ve read something written by me
Now you know I am striving to reach mediocrity.

April is National Poetry Month so
I hope you do not regret that I gave it a go.

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April Fools’ Day · 1 April 2023

Today is April Fools’ Day (unless you are reading this early), and it is fun to reminisce about April Fools’ Days of yore.

When we were kids, we used to pull practical jokes on each other on April Fools’ Day. Nothing big. Just tell somebody to look over there and steal a French fry. Or pour cold water over the shower curtain when somebody is taking a shower. (Okay. That was as a bigger kid.) But at our house, the favorite joke was one that our dad taught us. Water over the door.

Our dad was not necessarily a jokester. Oh sure, he liked to talk big. He liked to tell jokes and stories. But I am not sure that all of his tall tales were true. Most of them probably were, because truth is often stranger than fiction. But while he might have done a few crazy things, I do not think he was that much of a prankster. Still, he did teach us our favorite April Fools’ trick.

The water over the door trick is a way to douse somebody walking through a doorway. Usually the bathroom. After all, that is the place with an easy source of water. The only thing you need is a plastic cup to put the water in. Oh. And some balance. All you need to do is to balance the cup of water on the top of the door and when somebody goes in, Splash! That somebody gets wet. Easy.

Okay, usually the only thing that got wet was the floor, but it was humorous gold when somebody actually got soaked.

The funny thing is that when you play this joke on somebody when you are a kid, things tend not to go so well. First of all, most eight year olds cannot reach to the top of the door. So stools and chairs are necessary to set up the trick. And since your brother is the one you want to get, you need to get up earlier than him so you can get him rushing into the bathroom in the morning. Plus, he is probably wary because you spent so much time with him trying to perfect the trick days before April Fools’ Day.

One of the things that we learned working on perfecting the water over the door trick was that you cannot use too much water. At least not if you want to lean the cup against the wall so that the cup falls no matter how the door is opened. You see, we found that if you just put the cup of water on top of the door, you could open the door really slowly and it would not fall. So we figured we had to lean the cup a little. Which is where the balance came in. And since you did not want to wait in the bathroom until somebody came in, you had to do that balancing act outside the bathroom. That balancing of the cup of water standing on your tiptoes on the chair led to many a time being soaked as the prankster. Many a time. Either that or having to clean up the water for the fifth time because it just would not stay balanced.

Well, I do not expect to get doused by ice water over the shower door or even a cup of water from over the door this April Fools’ Day. Those days are long gone. But it is still fun to reminisce about April Fools’ Days of yore.