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Something in the Water · 18 February 2012


We tend to blame lots of things on the water. Dysentery, cholera, botulism, and a bunch of other diseases really are caused by bad water. But to think that pregnancies and weddings could be caused by drinking water is absurd. At least on the surface. However, after looking at the history of the staff at our school, I am not so sure. Water really might be the cause of joyous occasions like weddings and pregnancies.


We currently have four pregnant teachers in our building. When the latest news was announced, somebody emailed, “It must be something in the water.”


When I read the statement, I immediately thought that somebody ought to go back to take a remedial biology course and actually study the section about human reproduction. The humorous email was mixed in with a bunch of congratulatory messages to the latest pregnant teacher so while probably more than one person thought what I did, nobody ribbed the sender about it.


Still, attributing pregnancy to the water supply is a sobering thought. If pregnancy could be spread just by drinking tainted water, we could have an epidemic.


Although not in epidemic proportions, there have been other happenings at our school that could plausibly be attributed to the water. We have or have had on our staff at least four married couples who met while working at our school (not including my wife and me). This meeting spouses thing has also been attributed to the water. Apparently, our staff members drink the water and fall in love with each other, propose, and get married.


While love potions in the water sound appropriate for February, I think there is something more insidious happening. I think it there is an evil plot afoot.


Actually, while it would be funny (and a bit paranoid) to attribute weddings and pregnancies to some nefarious plot to end the world as we know it, I just do not have the imagination to make the connection between marriages and pregnancies and Emperor Zurg plotting to overthrow the universe. I do not know how people getting together or people having kids could make the world crumble. I wish I could make the connection, but it is so much easier to blame it all on the water. So we do.


The unfortunate thing about blaming everything on the water is that it makes joyful news like nuptials and imminent births sound like cholera or dysentery. It makes those blessed events sound like plagues to avoid. Still, the unfortunate comparison must be made so we do not let our guard down. Or so we can have a writing theme.


I am glad that there is no villain trying to take over the world (or our school) by spiking the water with some concoction that causes proposals and pregnancies. I am glad nobody really needs a remedial biology lesson. Mostly, I am glad I was given such a fun topic to write about when somebody made a silly statement connecting the pregnant teachers to the water.


Just to be safe though, I might start bringing my own water from home.

© 2012 Michael T. Miyoshi

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Published 20 February 2012 in The Monroe Monitor & Valley News

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