I Do Not Want to Write · 13 February 2016

Even when you love your job, there are times when you just do not want to go. That is how I feel right now about writing.

I love to write. It is one of those things that defines me. My wife says that I am crazy to get up early just to write. And maybe she is right. Maybe I am crazy. But if I do not write, I am not right.

Even so, I do not feel like writing today. Which is why I am writing about not writing.

My writing is very personal. I write about myself, my family, my beliefs, and whatever else strikes my fancy. Sure, I write about other people, but that is the exception rather than the rule. Some days, it seems like it would be easier to write about others, but I do not know. Getting it right is tougher to do when I write about somebody else. It takes longer and it seems that I can never quite say what I want to say.

Which is why I stick to what I know. I stick to writing about me. Or I just make up stuff.

One of my friends and faithful readers, who shall remain nameless, asked me what might happen to my writing if I just stuck to blogging or writing kids’ books. He got me to thinking what might happen if I just tried to do one thing well instead of doing a bunch of things poorly. Okay, my nameless friend, Mike, did not say that, but he did get me thinking about quality. He did get me wondering if I could increase the quality of what I was doing if I just focused.

Unfortunately, my writing bug is not like that. Unfortunately, I must write about whatever is closest to my heart at the given moment.

Okay. That is not completely true either. There are times when I force myself to write. Or edit. Or just finish something. Today is like that. I do not feel like writing anything. But I need to write. Or I will go insane. My body, my mind, my soul, my whole being needs to write. Even when I do not feel like writing.

I wish that I could say I knew a day was coming when my writing will pay off. I wish that I was certain that I was about to turn a writing corner and everybody was flocking to my blog and downloading my books. I wish that I could say that I never felt like just packing it all in and quitting all this writing stuff. But alas, I cannot. I cannot say that I never feel like quitting. I just keep writing when I get that feeling. Like today.

It is funny. When I am feeling low. When my heart is hurt. When I am most vulnerable, I write. I may not come up with anything publishable. I may not come up with anything brilliant. I may not even come up with anything intelligible, but I always feel a little better when I write. Writing has been my therapy for almost as long as I can remember.

Even today, I feel a little better now. Just because I wrote something.

I love writing. But that love is not the only reason I keep writing even when I do not feel like writing. I write because I must. Because it is part of who I am. And yes, I even write because it is therapy. I may not have ever said anything profound or intelligent, but I have written when I did not feel like writing. And that is something.

© 2016 Michael T. Miyoshi

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