My Delusions of Grandeur · 9 January 2021

It seems that everybody has delusions of grandeur. All I know is that my own delusions of grandeur are no longer what drives me.

When I first started writing, I figured I would be a best-selling author when I published my first book. Actually, I figured that agents would clamor at my doorstep to try and get me to sign with them so they could represent me to publishers who would want to print all my best-selling books. Of course, that was before I started writing in earnest. It was before writing was part of my daily schedule. It was before I really knew that you need to put in the hard work before you get anything that even resembles success. And it was well before I realized that I must write whether or not I have any readers at all. (I actually do have a few real readers to go with my dwindling population of imaginary readers.)

The same thing happened when I started making YouTube videos. I figured that more than just my students would watch me stumble and fumble around trying to teach physics and computer programming. I figured that my quirky personality would shine through the internet and people would flock to my channel to see what this guy had to teach. I figured that I would have oodles and oodles of fresh made noodles. Oops. I mean oodles and oodles of people watching my videos. I figured I would be the next YouTube sensation. Of course, that was before I recorded my first lecture. It was before I edited my own video. It was before I wondered how anybody could even sit in my classroom and watch what I do, let alone sit on the computer and try to absorb something from a barely articulate bumbling, stumbling, fumbling fool.

These delusions of grandeur have always been part of my thinking. I am not sure why. I just know that I am going to be successful at whatever I do. And being successful means what the world has defined. Being successful as a writer is having lots of book sales. Being a successful YouTuber is having lots of subscribers and ad revenue. Being a successful anything these days is having lots of adoring fans. In short, being successful in the eyes of the world is fulfilling those delusions of grandeur. Which might be why I have them.

The fortunate thing is that the more I think those delusions of grandeur are just delusions, the less I think about them. The more I realize that I am not writing or making videos for my adoring fans, but for God’s glory and for my own satisfaction, the more I enjoy doing them. Surely, when the going is tough. But probably more so when the going is not so tough.

When it comes right down to it, I write because it is a necessity for me. It is like breathing – necessary for life.

I make videos so my students can learn. And so I can be creative. Albeit, creative in a variety of different areas. Taking pictures and creating slide shows. Recording lectures and stories. Editing and posting videos. These are all creative endeavors that I enjoy.

The amazing thing is that even if I do still have the occasional delusion of grandeur, I realize that if anything like the delusion happens, it will just be a byproduct. I do not do things for the glory. I do not write or make videos so that I can have success as the world judges success. I write and make videos for my own sake, and because it is the path that God has set out for me. And that is enough reason for me to keep on doing what I am doing whether anybody pays attention to it or not.

I will surely not be the next greatest thing since sliced bread, but it does not really matter. What matters is that I am doing what I love and what I believe I have been called to do. And that is more important than any of my delusions of grandeur.

© 2021 Michael T. Miyoshi

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